i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
