First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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