I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
