While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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