literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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