I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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