I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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