If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
