Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize