Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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