Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We need a shit load of segways right now
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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