life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
