If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
