May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
