I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
