we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
