the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
