I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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