I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
