You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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