Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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