morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
