Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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