I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
