so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize