theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
