I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize