There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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