i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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