Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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