I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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