sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
