Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
