if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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