wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
