i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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