my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
