the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
