But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My vagina just recognized that song.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
