she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
