why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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