I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
