We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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