I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
