the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
