Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
