mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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