I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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