Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
