I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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