1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
