trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
