I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
