Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
false alarm, still single
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
