he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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