I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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