my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
