You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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