I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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