i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
