he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We don't watch enough power rangers
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
