I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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